This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
