My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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