I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
