I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
