just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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