Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
