why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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