my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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