Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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