I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
