Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Randomize
