I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize
