Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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