ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Randomize
