Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Randomize
