And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
