I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
