why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
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