she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
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