we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Randomize
