YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
