If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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