dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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