Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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