You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
