You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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