The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
