I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
