The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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