My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
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Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
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But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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