I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
