apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
