Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
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Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
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Another day, another engagement, another cat
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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