Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
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