We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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