Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Randomize
