The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
