Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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