I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
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At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
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If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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