I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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