At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
