just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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