You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
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