Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Randomize
