I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Randomize
