just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
