Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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