this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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