Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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