Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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