so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
