ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
