Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
