But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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