Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Randomize
