Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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