i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Randomize
