By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
never play flip cup with pint glasses
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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