i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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