Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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